Category: Self

2018.

I don’t like to write on here anymore, but I feel as though this year deserves to be written about.

It was definitely the best and worst year simultaneously.

I had three major losses in my life — my dear Pop Pop, my best friend and dog, Sasha, and the most amazing human being I’ve ever met in my life in Alexander Adams.

In the early half of the year, my family and I were quickly forced to plan my grandfather’s care from an reoccurring ER visit to critical condition to inevitable death. I have never experienced watching someone close to me deteriorate and then pass away quickly over a short period of time and literally before my family’s eyes. My Nana and Pop Pop had a good relationship and super long marriage. He’s in Heaven now.

Since adopting Sasha, I’ve experienced too many incidents of dog aggression. I love her dearly, but after the third and final attack, it got to be too much. I just replay the incident in my mind and it’s traumatic. Sasha grew up in Kentucky and we were told she was neglected; tied up outside with a rope around neck so tight, it was embedded in her neck. She was malnourished, underweight, and sick. I found out that she was probably used as a bait dog, a dog used in dog fighting, where she would have had to try to protect herself. It makes me angry that there are people in this world that have no respect for animals. So anyway, Sasha attacked a dog, and it wasn’t bloody or anything, but it was the fact she attacked it. That’s not OK. But she was so sweet. It’s weird because she was so happy, friendly, and playful and even got along fine with my parents’ dogs; but with other dogs, she was aggressive. In August, I had to put her down, and I held her in my arms as she closed her eyes.

I’ve always had faith in God and believed in God, but it wasn’t clicking. My mom has also been really pushing me to go more church events, so we decided to go to the life group launch at LCBC Church on September 17. That night changed my life because I met Jenn, Hannah, Nikki, Jason, Paul, Jerrica, and Alex.

Alex and I became particularly close and if you haven’t seen some of my Facebook posts, it was a different relationship that we had. I can’t describe our connection in words; it was a feeling. And we both felt it. Do I want to say soulmate? Yes. Because he was. We just got each other with barely speaking to each other. A week after the most amazing week of my life, yet worst, he went to be with God. I love Alex and I will always love Alex. He is the most amazing human being I have ever met. The last two months of 2018 have been bittersweet. I met the love of my life and lost the love of my life. But you know what? I’m still breathing, I’m still alive, and something greater is going come from this trauma.

If it weren’t for my life group and all the amazing staff and pastors at LCBC, Alex’s family and friends, and my family and friends, and most of all, the amazing doctors, nurses, and peers I’ve met over the last two months, I wouldn’t be writing this. So thank you. Here’s to a better 2019. Love you Alex.

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2016.

It’s the last day of 2016. A new year begins tomorrow. I’ve always¬†disliked new year resolutions because it sets you up (or at least me) for failure. So I’m making goals.

Some notes from 2016… Continue reading “2016.”

INFJ.

Did you know that the INFJ personality is the rarest of the 16 personality types? INFJ’s account for only 1-2% of the overall population (though the numbers can vary). 

I know sometimes I can be an intense person, but it’s only because when I am, I’m passionate about it. Whether it’s our friendship, relationship, your music, a goal, the future, a book, a movie, etc. I tend to obsess over things + become very intense. Sometimes it’s overwhelming for people. I think it’d be overwhelming for me if I were you. It’s overwhelming for me, being me. 
Having an INFJ personality, as I’ve learned since I took a personality test as a team building thing at work, is extremely overwhelming, exhausting, + often results in many sleepless nights.

With that said, if you know anything about INFJ’s, it’s that we care. I care genuinely about people, society, + the human race. I care often too deeply, too much, too passionately about things. I always want to see the good in people even when sometimes I shouldn’t bother to. I overthink, overanalyze, + am always in my head constantly thinking about an idea, thought, the future, etc. I’m constantly looking for the meaning of life. I strongly desire meaningful relationships and friendships, connections, deeper conversations. 

I’m either all in with relationships + friendships or all out; there’s no in between, no halfway. I rarely reveal my true self to anyone for fear of getting too close, trust issues, but when I think someone deserves a chance, + I get curious, I reveal myself in layers. I gauge your reaction + see what you think, feel, etc. If at any point in our relationship or friendship, you do something that irritates me or angers me that deserves an ending, door slam. Goodbye. You’re gone. I can’t stand manipulative liars. I cherish honesty + truth. 

I have poor verbal communication. I don’t speak enough, but listen well. I’m stubborn. I don’t like mundane or boring. I’m empathetic.  I need more alone time than most people. My intuition is strong; I can read you well + usually know when something is wrong, I feel in my gut. I’m such a perfectionist + a procrastinator. Either passionate or indifferent. A true walking contradiction.