Category: Love

2018.

I don’t like to write on here anymore, but I feel as though this year deserves to be written about.

It was definitely the best and worst year simultaneously.

I had three major losses in my life — my dear Pop Pop, my best friend and dog, Sasha, and the most amazing human being I’ve ever met in my life in Alexander Adams.

In the early half of the year, my family and I were quickly forced to plan my grandfather’s care from an reoccurring ER visit to critical condition to inevitable death. I have never experienced watching someone close to me deteriorate and then pass away quickly over a short period of time and literally before my family’s eyes. My Nana and Pop Pop had a good relationship and super long marriage. He’s in Heaven now.

Since adopting Sasha, I’ve experienced too many incidents of dog aggression. I love her dearly, but after the third and final attack, it got to be too much. I just replay the incident in my mind and it’s traumatic. Sasha grew up in Kentucky and we were told she was neglected; tied up outside with a rope around neck so tight, it was embedded in her neck. She was malnourished, underweight, and sick. I found out that she was probably used as a bait dog, a dog used in dog fighting, where she would have had to try to protect herself. It makes me angry that there are people in this world that have no respect for animals. So anyway, Sasha attacked a dog, and it wasn’t bloody or anything, but it was the fact she attacked it. That’s not OK. But she was so sweet. It’s weird because she was so happy, friendly, and playful and even got along fine with my parents’ dogs; but with other dogs, she was aggressive. In August, I had to put her down, and I held her in my arms as she closed her eyes.

I’ve always had faith in God and believed in God, but it wasn’t clicking. My mom has also been really pushing me to go more church events, so we decided to go to the life group launch at LCBC Church on September 17. That night changed my life because I met Jenn, Hannah, Nikki, Jason, Paul, Jerrica, and Alex.

Alex and I became particularly close and if you haven’t seen some of my Facebook posts, it was a different relationship that we had. I can’t describe our connection in words; it was a feeling. And we both felt it. Do I want to say soulmate? Yes. Because he was. We just got each other with barely speaking to each other. A week after the most amazing week of my life, yet worst, he went to be with God. I love Alex and I will always love Alex. He is the most amazing human being I have ever met. The last two months of 2018 have been bittersweet. I met the love of my life and lost the love of my life. But you know what? I’m still breathing, I’m still alive, and something greater is going come from this trauma.

If it weren’t for my life group and all the amazing staff and pastors at LCBC, Alex’s family and friends, and my family and friends, and most of all, the amazing doctors, nurses, and peers I’ve met over the last two months, I wouldn’t be writing this. So thank you. Here’s to a better 2019. Love you Alex.

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Good Old War sings of love on “Not Quite Happiness”

My freshman year in college I excitedly volunteered to be a member of the Student Programming Board’s Concert Committee and was soon appointed the Hospitality Coordinator for all future concerts.

My first task: Days Away and The Starting Line. That was when I was first introduced to the musical talents of Keith Goodwin of then Days Away (RIP) and now the indie folk band, Good Old War. I loved Days Away immediately and consider “Mapping An Invisible World” one of the most influential albums I’ve ever heard. Since then, I’ve supported his current project, Good Old War, since the beginning of the band’s inception, and they are one of my top 3 favorite bands (all from Philly btw).

I took this clip at World Cafe Live in Philly earlier this year. Keith and Dan perform an emotional and raw rendition of their incredible song, “Not Quite Happiness” off Come Back As Rain.

“…It was not quite happiness / just love, just love…”

I think this has a lot to say about how we should be treating each other in our country’s state. Love each other, respect each other, care for each other. For we all have differences, but we are all more alike than we realize.

Follow the yellow brick road.

unnamedWhy is it that I have the most motivation and drive at night… I’ve just come off an incredible, healthy, and heartwarming conversation with one of my closest and bestest friends. I thank You, Lord, every day that you brought her and I together. Our friendship means the world to me.

Another friend sent me a text today with a link to a beautiful write-up about getting back on track. My best friend is lending a hand for the next few weeks. I also spent some simple time with a fourth friend today; our time together wasn’t fancy, expensive, or lavish, but the simplicity of having a coffee together, conversing, and just having the ability to spend time with one of my closest friends, is a blessing.

My closest friends and family are aware of my current situation and state-of-mind. The little things mean so much… I have been through a shit load of crap in the last 11 years. I am now beginning to see the direction I need to travel; it is not entirely clear yet, but I know that with hope, faith, love, and kindness, the future is going to be beautiful. Thank you to my friends that touched my path today… I’m on the yellow brick road to creating a life that is overflowing with love, faith, and happiness.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

Matthew 11:28 NIV

Relationships take work.

Every morning I wake up to the Elvis Duran show. This morning they were talking about relationships + people taking breaks. Not breaking up, just taking a “break.” They mentioned Lady Gaga + Taylor Kinney (Lancaster’s own!) taking a “break.”

A man called in + said that his wife wanted to take a break. There were kids involved. No rules, guidelines, or anything was set by the man + wife. He sounded sad, hurt, + disappointed.

If there’s anything I learned from my 9-year relationship ordeal, it’s that communication is  key. Any type of relationship, friendships or romantic relationships, need good, clear communication.

Friendships + relationships take work from both sides. It’s not a one-way street.

Another thing I’ve learned is not to be afraid to tell someone how you feel. Tomorrow is never guaranteed.

With you, however, I am afraid. Very afraid.

INFJ.

Did you know that the INFJ personality is the rarest of the 16 personality types? INFJ’s account for only 1-2% of the overall population (though the numbers can vary). 

I know sometimes I can be an intense person, but it’s only because when I am, I’m passionate about it. Whether it’s our friendship, relationship, your music, a goal, the future, a book, a movie, etc. I tend to obsess over things + become very intense. Sometimes it’s overwhelming for people. I think it’d be overwhelming for me if I were you. It’s overwhelming for me, being me. 
Having an INFJ personality, as I’ve learned since I took a personality test as a team building thing at work, is extremely overwhelming, exhausting, + often results in many sleepless nights.

With that said, if you know anything about INFJ’s, it’s that we care. I care genuinely about people, society, + the human race. I care often too deeply, too much, too passionately about things. I always want to see the good in people even when sometimes I shouldn’t bother to. I overthink, overanalyze, + am always in my head constantly thinking about an idea, thought, the future, etc. I’m constantly looking for the meaning of life. I strongly desire meaningful relationships and friendships, connections, deeper conversations. 

I’m either all in with relationships + friendships or all out; there’s no in between, no halfway. I rarely reveal my true self to anyone for fear of getting too close, trust issues, but when I think someone deserves a chance, + I get curious, I reveal myself in layers. I gauge your reaction + see what you think, feel, etc. If at any point in our relationship or friendship, you do something that irritates me or angers me that deserves an ending, door slam. Goodbye. You’re gone. I can’t stand manipulative liars. I cherish honesty + truth. 

I have poor verbal communication. I don’t speak enough, but listen well. I’m stubborn. I don’t like mundane or boring. I’m empathetic.  I need more alone time than most people. My intuition is strong; I can read you well + usually know when something is wrong, I feel in my gut. I’m such a perfectionist + a procrastinator. Either passionate or indifferent. A true walking contradiction. 

Respect.

In the two years that I’ve been single, I’ve talked to many guys – two of which we both had a mutual interest in each other, one maybe (that’s still up for debate), + one I did go on a date with. And each and every time they fell off the face of the planet. This is not okay, guys. I am sick + tired of dealing with this crap and I certainly don’t have time for it. 

It’s not respectful. If you have any respect for me and are the least bit considerate, you’d at least give me an explanation, even if it’s a little white lie to make me feel better. It’s better than going from things going well to just completely disappearing.

Read this article, guys. This sums things up pretty well.

Don’t piss me off or you’ll get the door slam. I don’t have time for people who don’t have consideration for others.