Category: Life

2018.

I don’t like to write on here anymore, but I feel as though this year deserves to be written about.

It was definitely the best and worst year simultaneously.

I had three major losses in my life — my dear Pop Pop, my best friend and dog, Sasha, and the most amazing human being I’ve ever met in my life in Alexander Adams.

In the early half of the year, my family and I were quickly forced to plan my grandfather’s care from an reoccurring ER visit to critical condition to inevitable death. I have never experienced watching someone close to me deteriorate and then pass away quickly over a short period of time and literally before my family’s eyes. My Nana and Pop Pop had a good relationship and super long marriage. He’s in Heaven now.

Since adopting Sasha, I’ve experienced too many incidents of dog aggression. I love her dearly, but after the third and final attack, it got to be too much. I just replay the incident in my mind and it’s traumatic. Sasha grew up in Kentucky and we were told she was neglected; tied up outside with a rope around neck so tight, it was embedded in her neck. She was malnourished, underweight, and sick. I found out that she was probably used as a bait dog, a dog used in dog fighting, where she would have had to try to protect herself. It makes me angry that there are people in this world that have no respect for animals. So anyway, Sasha attacked a dog, and it wasn’t bloody or anything, but it was the fact she attacked it. That’s not OK. But she was so sweet. It’s weird because she was so happy, friendly, and playful and even got along fine with my parents’ dogs; but with other dogs, she was aggressive. In August, I had to put her down, and I held her in my arms as she closed her eyes.

I’ve always had faith in God and believed in God, but it wasn’t clicking. My mom has also been really pushing me to go more church events, so we decided to go to the life group launch at LCBC Church on September 17. That night changed my life because I met Jenn, Hannah, Nikki, Jason, Paul, Jerrica, and Alex.

Alex and I became particularly close and if you haven’t seen some of my Facebook posts, it was a different relationship that we had. I can’t describe our connection in words; it was a feeling. And we both felt it. Do I want to say soulmate? Yes. Because he was. We just got each other with barely speaking to each other. A week after the most amazing week of my life, yet worst, he went to be with God. I love Alex and I will always love Alex. He is the most amazing human being I have ever met. The last two months of 2018 have been bittersweet. I met the love of my life and lost the love of my life. But you know what? I’m still breathing, I’m still alive, and something greater is going come from this trauma.

If it weren’t for my life group and all the amazing staff and pastors at LCBC, Alex’s family and friends, and my family and friends, and most of all, the amazing doctors, nurses, and peers I’ve met over the last two months, I wouldn’t be writing this. So thank you. Here’s to a better 2019. Love you Alex.

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2016.

It’s the last day of 2016. A new year begins tomorrow. I’ve always disliked new year resolutions because it sets you up (or at least me) for failure. So I’m making goals.

Some notes from 2016… Continue reading “2016.”

Follow the yellow brick road.

unnamedWhy is it that I have the most motivation and drive at night… I’ve just come off an incredible, healthy, and heartwarming conversation with one of my closest and bestest friends. I thank You, Lord, every day that you brought her and I together. Our friendship means the world to me.

Another friend sent me a text today with a link to a beautiful write-up about getting back on track. My best friend is lending a hand for the next few weeks. I also spent some simple time with a fourth friend today; our time together wasn’t fancy, expensive, or lavish, but the simplicity of having a coffee together, conversing, and just having the ability to spend time with one of my closest friends, is a blessing.

My closest friends and family are aware of my current situation and state-of-mind. The little things mean so much… I have been through a shit load of crap in the last 11 years. I am now beginning to see the direction I need to travel; it is not entirely clear yet, but I know that with hope, faith, love, and kindness, the future is going to be beautiful. Thank you to my friends that touched my path today… I’m on the yellow brick road to creating a life that is overflowing with love, faith, and happiness.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

Matthew 11:28 NIV

Relationships take work.

Every morning I wake up to the Elvis Duran show. This morning they were talking about relationships + people taking breaks. Not breaking up, just taking a “break.” They mentioned Lady Gaga + Taylor Kinney (Lancaster’s own!) taking a “break.”

A man called in + said that his wife wanted to take a break. There were kids involved. No rules, guidelines, or anything was set by the man + wife. He sounded sad, hurt, + disappointed.

If there’s anything I learned from my 9-year relationship ordeal, it’s that communication is  key. Any type of relationship, friendships or romantic relationships, need good, clear communication.

Friendships + relationships take work from both sides. It’s not a one-way street.

Another thing I’ve learned is not to be afraid to tell someone how you feel. Tomorrow is never guaranteed.

With you, however, I am afraid. Very afraid.

Impact.

I’m honestly afraid for this country with the 2 candidates we have running for POTUS. The way the country + society is evolving with the hate, gun violence, racism, etc – this is not the country that I want to be a part of. Something has got to change, but how does one person actively change the nation, the world?
 
This is something that I’ve always been passionate about; making a difference, helping people, learning about + understanding others, being there for people when they need it, regardless of our relationship. So honestly, sitting here, wide awake at 4:30 am in the morning, how does one person effectively change the world?
 
In reference to my AWTR post, I do believe that people are initially good; however, our society + life interrupt that idea, + influence their behavior. People cheat, lie, steal, mislead, dishonest, murder, etc – humanity as a whole, I believe start off good, but then change over time into people that practice negative + bad behavior. Hence all of the issues surrounding the Presidential election + what’s currently going on in our nation.
So back to my original question… How do I, as one single person, change the world? Answer that.

Insouciance.

Yet again, my INFJ ways have scared another person off. This personality that I was so incredibly blessed with [that’s sarcasm, btw] has always been a struggle [even before I learned why I am the way I am a few months ago] – I’ve always felt different, like an outsider, someone that didn’t belong, someone that was unlike the mass population.

My intentions with everything – and everyone [mostly] – have always been good. I’ve always had a penchant for putting others’ well-being + happiness first.

I need to learn how to just not care. I can compare the INFJ emotions, overthinking, + overanalyzing similar to the movie, God Almighty, when Bruce has the world’s prayers going through his mind at lightning speed. That’s me. Constantly.

It’s exhausting, overwhelming, + suffocating.

I can’t breathe.